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Tuesday, 13 April 2010

Beautiful

Gold teeth and a curse for this town were all in my mouth.
Only, i don't know how they got out, dear.
Turn me back into the pet that i was when we met.
I was happier then with no mind-set.

And if you'd have took to me like
A gull takes to the wind.
Well, I'd have jumped from my tree
And I'd have danced like the king of the eyesores
And the rest of our lives would 'a fared well.

New slang when you notice the stripes, the dirt in your fries.
Hope it's right when you die, old and bony.
Dawn breaks like a bull through the hall,
Never should have called
But my head's to the wall and I'm lonely.

And if you'd have took to me like
A gull takes to the wind.
Well, I'd have jumped from my tree
And I'd have danced like the kind of the eyesores
And the rest of our lives would 'a fared well.

God speed all the bakers at dawn may they all cut their thumbs,
And bleed into their buns 'till they melt away.

I'm looking in on the good life i might be doomed never to find.
Without a trust or flaming fields am i too dumb to refine?
And if you'd have took to me like
Well I'd have danced like the queen of the eyesores
And the rest of our lives would 'a fared well.

Thursday, 28 January 2010

12:13pmAndrew
yeah.
Things will be fine...
hopefully.
biggest trouble in my life right now is trying to make time for God
Nina isn't really sure she believes in God anymore, and I haven't been much support because we don't go to church because I work at a church as a conductor, and it's a lutheran ultra-liturgical service
so we don't really have a church home.
12:15pmIsaac
rough
12:16pmAndrew
Nina's going through the "my parents were worship leader and I went to church all my life, and do I really believe things because they are real or because I've been indoctrinated?"
12:16pmIsaac
i would make this your first priority in life
it would really help to be in felllowship with other believer during this time
12:17pmAndrew
Isaac is no longer online. The following was not sent:
but where? (send as a message)
12:17pmIsaac is online.
12:17pmIsaac
question stuff in the context of fellowship with others is safe and healthy but apart from fellowship is dangerous
question stuff in the context of fellowship with others is safe and healthy but apart from fellowship is dangerous
12:17pmAndrew
but wherE?
12:18pmIsaac
u dont like first e free?
12:18pmAndrew
She doesn't/
I was oaky with it
but she said it was dead and nobody sounded excited
12:18pmIsaac
no other options
what about christ community?
12:18pmAndrew
never tried that one
we live close to campus though
12:19pmIsaac
there are free churches near there, though i dont remember the names
you could get em from jim or the net
12:19pmAndrew
I don't know if EV free is really my denomination
i went to saguaro for your youth group and stayed.
12:20pmIsaac
going mormon?
12:20pmAndrew
WHAT?
lol
12:21pmIsaac
have a current leaning?
12:21pmAndrew
do people really need denominations?
12:22pmIsaac
no and i get the move away from all of this but we have to have some content and some form to what we do
12:22pmAndrew
I just want a church that feels like a family, where people get passionate about music and God and doing it all without crazy "voodoo magic" as I call it.
12:22pmIsaac
not a fan of denom committment but it helps to know what you are getting into
join a cult
12:22pmAndrew
good idea.
first I have to sell all of my stuff. brb I'm getting on cragslist.
does the church of mother nature's love child accept checks?
12:23pmIsaac
direct deposit
12:24pmAndrew
oh, right. Okay.
will you be my agent?
12:24pmIsaac
no, guest speaker - or just guest
12:25pmAndrew
what?
I don't even know what we are talking about anymore.
lol
12:25pmIsaac
really though, it is easy to out this stuff off b/c its hard and you dont see the immediate need but give it a few weeks, then a few months and pretty soon life has really come apart
that put this stuff off
12:26pmAndrew
can you maybe rephrase that?
12:26pmIsaac
being part of a church rarely solves much one week
12:26pmAndrew
I'm a little confused as to what we're talking about now
12:26pmIsaac
its is the cumulative effect that brings stability and sanity
church
its a pain and i am not into our worship forms
most weeks the message doesnt move me
but over time i see that the issues in life have been addressed and the people i need are there
and my brain is restored and reset in subtle ways that i couldnt quantify
but iknow if i bailed on church it would not be too long before i was thinking dumb thoughts about myself, life, the world and god and starting to do dumb stuff that i would wind up regretting
if you let this go, that's where you will be too - sounds like nina is already headed there
time to take charge of this situation
12:29pmAndrew
take charge?
12:30pmIsaac
yeah - aggeessivly seek out the right place
when we first got to tucson, we drove around midweek and met with oastors and interveiwed leaders looking for a church
did a lot of pre-screeeing before sunday
think of it like looking for a job
12:31pmAndrew
well, one of my problems is that I am working Sunday mornings.
12:31pmIsaac
you dont try once or twice and then decide to just be homeless for a few years - you keep looking until you find something and until you are sure your have been sentthere, you keep looking for a while
need to find a small group or a chuerch service at another time
got to be all kinds of wierd little churches and groups near the campus
12:33pmAndrew
it's hard for me to get used to a new place.
12:34pmIsaac
but its easy to make excuses
i know its hard and church people are wierd
just takes a commitrment to praying God will lead you to the right place as you getr off your duffer and look for it
and dont stop til you find it
12:34pmAndrew
how do I know he's gonna come through?
why will he even listen?
I don't talk to him unless I need something.
he's gotta be miffed about that by now
12:35pmIsaac
you are already drifted
i think you know better
dont make God in your own image as some grouchy grudge-holder
you know who god really is beyind the lies that creep in when we are unguarded
12:37pmAndrew
I don't know what he wants from me, and I don't trust anything that I "feel" and how do I know when they're not just feelings and I'm actually being told something?
12:37pmIsaac
it is more something you learn to recognize than something we can put a formula to
just begin to trust and follow
god knows the shape you are in
your confusion, doubt, frustration, apathy
he wont try to trick you
just start doing what is right and follow one litttle step at a time
at this point you wouldnt believe the plans god has for you and probly wouldnt want them either
but as you grow and your heart changes, your perspective develops and you see how the path you have followed was divine
yeah, postmodern bs
its all over our culture
it is the logical overflow of an athiestic woerldview, couched in the language of cultural humility
if people define right, no one has anything to say
if God does, then we have no right to question him
we come by faith in that possibility or not at all
you cant prove god is there
but we know he is - we know it is true in our hearts, from creation and from the word
the great project of man is to deny god so we can be our own god without fear of consequence
you cant go to school and be taught by fallen intellct without the support of divine fellowship
start one step at a time but make that step a firm one
Andrew
so the first step is church hunting?
12:44pmIsaac
seek the kingdom
12:44pmAndrew
and the kingdom is church?
12:45pmIsaac
god i hope not
seek out god, whatever he will be for you
seek people who can guide and support you
do it wirth nina
like a dvine adventure
put god to the test a bit

Wednesday, 29 July 2009

What's so great about family vacations anyways?

News of a family vacation has excited me for as long as I can remember. I count down the days, on a calendar if I'm using one at the time, and in my head now. Interestingly enough, however, I can't actually remember ever having a good vacation with my family. Every vacation happens the same way. We drive up (we always drive, never fly), my parents argue and stress out about directions leading to several close-calls on the road, and then we arrive at the hotel and crash. My dad is a little bit OCD, and he always has to have every detail of our vacation planned. This, of course, leads to disaster because the rest of my family never wants to follow any sort of agenda. People argue about what we should do, and then we do what my dad wanted anyways whether or not anyone is happy. By the end of the vacation nobody wants to so much as talk to one another, and when we finally get home, everybody takes advantage of as much "alone time" as they can.

This year is different. I'm 19. I've moved out of my parent's house. I'm financially independent, and in college. I should have known better when I was asked "Hey, we are going to California this year for vacation, want to come?" Again I was sucked in and agreed to go, the idea of a vacation always so tantalizing. I thought that maybe this year would be different. Unfortunately, I was wrong, and this has been the worst vacation so far. My dad has already started to treat me like crap, and it's only day 3 out of 10. I have to watch everything I say around him or he freaks out and starts being sarcastic and nasty. And then, when I decide not to take his crap, my younger sister lectures me about "not trying hard enough to have a nice family vacation" and she starts crying, like she often times does, until I feel so awful about standing up for myself that I just stop talking, and of course, that's not allowed either because I'm supposed to be having "fun". I just want to go home. I don't think I'll be joining them next year. Better start thinking of an excuse now.

Saturday, 04 July 2009

The Groomsman Issue

Alright, so, one of my friends, and roomates got engaged last November, and asked me to be a groomsman for him. Since that point, our relationship has sort of grown apart, and when I got engaged in March, I thought it only proper that I also ask him to be my groomsman. However, he is getting married in a little over a month, and he still hadn't talked to me about needing a tux, etc., and so I started hoping that since we weren't really close anymore, he would change his mind about me being a groomsman, so that I wouldn't have to worry about keeping him as mine.

I'm not a big fan of his fiance. She's kind of bossy, and she doesn't let him be himself. Last night, she was over at our apartment, and he was in the bathroom or something,

and she says: "Hey, I sent an invitation to your fiance's house for our wedding...I just want you to know that you're invited too!".
I thought for a moment, and then said "yeah, aren't I still a groomsman?"
and she looks at me with a face that screamed oh hell no you aren't and then said "uhh... did he ask you to be one?"
and I said "yeah, he did, right before he proposed to you"
To this she replied "You better talk to him"

So I think to myself alright, he changed his mind...when was he going to tell me? I guess it doesn't matter it means I'm off the hook for him being my groomsman....

I approached him a few minutes later,

and said "hey man, am I not your groomsman anymore?"
He looked at me with a blank face and said "uhh...no..."
and I said "Alright, I guess that's cool. I just wish you would have told me sooner"
and he says "I never asked you to be my groomsman."

At this point, I'm very confused, and a little hurt, and so I reply with

"yes you did, before you proposed you asked me, and our two other friends to be groomsman."
he says "oh, I don't remember that are you sure??"
"yes"
"well, I'm sorry man, it was a tough choice and I don't remember asking you."
to which I respond, trying to hide the fact that I'm hurt, "no big deal man, it's fine" and I walk away.

My question is, is it okay to be upset about this? I mean, I got what I wanted, didn't I? But at the same time, since he didn't uninvite me, just conveniently forgot that he asked me to be a groomsman, is it alright to remove him from my wedding party?

Tuesday, 12 May 2009

Who am I? What is my purpose?

I feel this twisting knot in my chest.
Maybe it's because I feel bad for not studying What do I study? I already know everything. Of course that's what I'd say, I'm an arrogant dick. No, it's just that I don't feel as though studying would help. So it's not studying... maybe...
I might lose more than 1 scholarship. How will I go to school? I don't know. So much pressure. Got to keep her happy. Have to prove I'm worth something or she'll leave.
Am I crazy?

Who am I?
I'm Andrew Cleaver. I come from an ass backwards family forcing hypocritical beliefs down my throat. But I believe them. I still do, really. I feel schizophrenic sometimes. Like now. Who am I? Why am I alive?

The game of life has always been interesting to me. You spend the whole game meeting landmarks. You go to college...or not... everyone gets married. You can't play if you don't. You have to buy a house, you can't play if you don't. You'll most likely have children, and everything revolves around the almighty dollar. You have to win. If you play just to play, it's alright. It's still fun, but you aren't a winner. You can't win unless you have the right job, and good spins...

The Game:
Afford School - This means that you have to work hard doing things you'd rather not, sucking up to the people who matter, learning things you'll never use again or b.s.'ing through them. As long as you get A's and B's because if God forbid you get those lower grades you can't stay anymore. Affording school means doing well in school. Doing well in school means putting up with shit that you'd rather not. great payoff in the end.

Get Married - Tie yourself down to a gal you love. Love. Love means putting up with shit you'd rather not, also. It also has a great payoff in the end. You get to spend the rest of your life with someone you absolutely care about and adore.

Get a Job: Now you get to wade through the craphole we call the current job market in the U.S. This ALSO involves putting up with a lot of shit that you'd rather not. Again, great payoff.

So essentially, the pattern goes as follows: Do a bunch of shit you hate, then you get to be happy. Then do a bunch more shit that you hate and be happy again. I don't have examples, but I have a feeling this is how the entire life of any human occurs.

There is no absolute happiness because there is always SOMETHING still to do. Something you'd rather not, so that we can keep being happy.

What is happiness?
Who is God?
Who am I?
What is my purpose?

conclude with some trail off...................